It’s Your Call

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Walking through “Las Piedrotas” in Tapalpa, Mexico. Can you see the little munchkins waiting on me up there? 

Sometimes answers are like walking out of a cave into the bright sunlight. An instant warmth and sense of deep awareness.

Other times it’s more like waking when it’s still pitch black outside, an then watching as the shadows slowly disappear, and the sun takes its’ rightful place in the sky. Blackness fading away to grey and finally a bright yellow of newness and understanding.

Yep, sometimes the answers come very clearly, very forcefully, there is no doubt. But many times, or should I say, most of the time, my answers come with a little insight here and a little more there. Like a sculptor that methodically chisels away at a block of marble to release the masterpiece waiting beneath its’ surface.

I’m dealing with one of those right now. The second method. The slow elimination and determined chipping away. You see, I know there is a God. I know He is there. I know he listens when I pray. I know He answers. But just as any loving parent, I believe He knows that we cannot just be given the answers to all of our questions and problems. Sometimes He answers immediately and clearly. Sometimes he leads us and guides us almost just as clearly. And sometimes I think he says, “It’s your call”.

I detest this answer. I don’t want to make the call. I don’t know that I’m ready to make the call. All by myself? All on my own? But am I really on my own? No, not really. He’s my Father. He’ll tell me what He thinks, but not directly, not obviously. I must search. I must listen. I must quiet my soul in order to hear.

That is what I’m in the midst of right now. It’s actually a question I ask myself every year. Am I still sure that we should be homeschooling our children?

For the first few years, I really felt a calling. I KNEW it was what we needed to do. As our journey embarked I soon discovered that our first child would have significant struggles in any other school setting, which added confirmation to our decision.

Then a few more moves, a few more children, a few changes of employment and a plethora of changes to our homeschooling….I felt I was starting to “get it”. I felt like we could make this work. I felt a culture forming that I craved. I smiled. We can do this.

But as I just told a dear friend who is struggling with the same decision, for different reasons…Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. And just because you shouldn’t now, doesn’t mean you can’t later. There is a plan and a time for everything.

A couple years ago my husband started making the steps and changes necessary to be completely self-employed. At the beginning of this year we made the final and complete leap into the world of self-employment. This means he is working from home whenever he is not attending meetings, giving trainings and/or travelling. It has mostly been a gradual change and we thought that we were figuring it out. I have always tried my best to help with my husband’s work when he was an employee and now even more as we have a family business. But I admit, I am both hesitant and ignorant. Sometimes I just don’t know what in the world I am doing! I really don’t want to mess something up that is that important. Other times I feel like if I put too much into it than I’m neglecting my responsibilities as a mother and teacher. It’s always been a difficult balance, for me.

Over the past few months I have been reflecting a lot on my priorities in order to create a good balance and decide where I need to make improvements. It was amongst this journey that my husband asked one day, “Are you sure we are supposed to be homeschooling?”

At first I was a bit flabbergasted. Though not involved with the process much, he has always been very supportive of my endeavors.

Unfortunately, I continued to react with my natural responses to his critiques….defensive mode on….How dare he… After all we’ve been through? Does he not see I’m trying my best? Doesn’t he see that the kids learn better this way?

Wait….wait for it…ok, now reflection hits….but this is my husband. My eternal companion. My best friend. What if he’s right? What if I’m doing something wrong? What if I need to have my focus elsewhere?…..

Well, very long story short, by the end of the day I was an emotional mess. I have since been spending the majority of my thinking time grappling with this subject. I’ve searched, pondered and prayed….even fasted. I feel my answer is….It’s your call….not really what I was looking for….definitely not the easy route. I have already been guided. For the moment I’ve decided to finish the school year and come to a final decision by our summer break.  I know the answer will come. Hopefully it’s before I become a habitual insomniac 😉

To all of you who’ve struggled with this, or a similar decision….what helped you?

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A New Beginning

ImageNOTE: Yes, I realize this is an extremely unflattering picture of myself. But it just fit the bill for how I was feeling on the subject!

 

Yep. It happened. I was trying to figure out a way to avoid it but then I figured eventually it just had to happen. This past month I turned 30.

Though that may not seem like a big deal, for some reason, to me…. it was. I have very few clear memories of my younger years but one of them was when I was 15 years old. I was recovering from some health issues and felt a renewed sense of urgency to become a better version of myself. I remember writing a letter to myself that I could not open until I turned 19. In the letter I wrote about what kind of person I thought myself to be and what I wanted to become by the age of 19. I had character and practical goals enclosed in the letter.

I also clearly remembering opening that letter at age 19 and feeling elated to know that I had reached most of my goals. Looking back I think it’s interesting because many of my practical goals were homemaking oriented and I remembering the urgency and desire I felt to learn these things by the age of 19. I see now that the Lord was preparing me, I left home at 19 (not my original plan) and married at 20 (ditto).

I remember as I wrote that letter to myself that I looked forward to see myself at 30 years of age. Now that I’ve hit that milestone I do not feel the same as I thought I would. Honestly, I thought I would have been more “accomplished” in terms of education and “traveled” in terms of visiting and sight-seeing. I thought I would know more, that I would feel more secure in my decision making. Now that I’m here I see that no amount of education or traveling would have prepared me for the life I’ve lived. My life has taken a different course with VERY different timing than I imagined at the tender age of 15.

As I was reflecting on this at first I began to feel discouraged. Then I looked around and knew that no matter what I thought was best at the time, it just wasn’t. The Lord led me a different way and that was best. I feel confident in the path I’ve taken. In that knowledge, I am happy. But still, should I have done more? Am I not working hard enough?

Then a very intense thought hit me…..Jesus Christ began his ministry when he was (about) 30. That means all of that time leading up to his 30th year was really just preparation for his mission. He had only begun to live!

While I would in no way compare myself to Jesus Christ, it did give me comfort in knowing that I can still strive, and do, and become….this is only a beginning.

So, for my 31st birthday I’ve already prepared my gift for myself. It’s going to be a letter!

The Pebble

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Do you ever wonder if you really make a difference? Do you ever wonder if what you’re doing really matters? Do you ever feel that your contribution is meaningless?

I’ve been thinking about this subject over the past few weeks. My thoughts became increasingly poignant when I watched a video the other day about WWII and some university students that tried to protest the Nazi regime through their own propaganda. In the end, the investigation pointed to 3, but mainly 2 students that had masterminded the majority of the information and distribution of the propaganda. They were executed for their efforts. However their legacy lived on and their voice was heard and made a positive difference.

After wiping away the tears, I got to thinking….am I making a difference? Is what I’m doing really going to matter?

My first thoughts were rather discouraging. But as I started to analyze my influence a bit more deeply I began to picture a pebble being thrown into an enormous lake. True, for the most part it would go unnoticed. But, that tiny pebble would cause ripples, even a bit of a splash, and had the power to even rock a boat.

I am not perfect. But I am trying my best. I am a child of God, a woman, a wife, a mother. I may not matter to others but I do matter to some, and I do matter to God. He sees me. He cares. He knows of my efforts.

I also know that every day I am making a statement. Every day that I choose to put my God, my marriage and family first I am telling them and everyone that will take notice that I know what real success is. Every day that I choose to use kindness instead of anger, disdain, or negativity, I am testifying that goodness wins. Every day that I choose to protect and sanctify my body with healthy habits and modesty I am showing God that I am grateful for His gift to me and my family and anyone else that will take notice that our bodies are sacred. Every day that I walk out with my family I am showing that I know that we are ALL beloved children of God, that He sees us, not our skin. Every Sunday when I’m going to church and spending the day in a worshipful attitude, I am testifying of my belief in the teachings of the Bible. Every day that I choose virtue and integrity over convenience and image I am telling my children what really matters. What I say and what I do says to the world and especially to my family what and who I am.

I think as Moms we sometimes get mixed messages.

The world tells us to do all and be all. This is more in the sense of superficial success, a skin-deep perfection…..have the amazing career, the money, the “perfect” body, the “perfect” house and the “perfect” family. Not only is this a tainted view of happiness, it never really brings happiness.

On the other hand, the Lord tells us to be virtuous and true to Him, our husbands and our families. Our purpose and mission is to teach and guide and lead the children of God to be the leaders and kind of people He wants them to be. What amazing trust our God must have in us women!

While trying our best and looking to God to fill in gaps, will bring happiness and even joy as we strive to fulfill this incredible role, it can seem daunting at times and we can become discouraged. Part of this discouragement often comes from the fact that although we have basic scriptural outlines and the Spirit to guide our efforts, we will find that there is no “blueprint” for success. Every woman and family is different and there are many details that the Lord will guide us in but not mandate.

Then we have our own personal demons to root out of our being. We all have weaknesses and while a spouse and children can help bring out the best in us, if we are not careful we and they can also end up with the worst of us.

Thankfully, this is all part of the plan. Just like a precious metal or gem, we cannot reach our potential without some tempering, some heat, some pounding off of rough edges.

As I was pondering on what I needed to do to be the kind of person that God wants me to be, and make the difference that I need to make in my children’s lives especially, I then pictured the little “Refresh” icon on my computer. Every now and then I have to sit back, look around, ponder, pray, study and click “Refresh”. The beauty of the atonement is that it works for everyone. I am not perfect BUT I can try again.

The desire to change is often with me but the urgency to do so has been heightened over the past week or so. This urgency to change was especially present today as I read and heard of a young mother, not much older than myself, that died a yesterday due to birth complications. Gratefully, she was a beautiful, Proverbs 31 woman that was ready to meet her Maker. Sadly, she left behind a young husband and 6 children, one of which she would never meet in this life. As I stared at my computer through a curtain of tears I began to think, “Am I ready?” “If I died today would my husband and children really know how much I love them?” “Would they remember me in a positive light?” “Has my pebble made all the ripples and splashes it was meant to make?”

I still have much work to do. I know that I am not alone in my quest. I know that my contributions seem small, but they are needed and they matter. I will “Refresh” and be better each day. Even if my life is only a pebble, the ripples will make a difference. Now I’m going to go hug my family and tell them I love them. Good night!

P.S. Here is the link about the woman I mentioned. A beautiful young woman that has left a husband and 6 children behind, please keep them in your prayers! Our Dearest Katrina!www.youtube.comhttp://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=GqBCZckcPSQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGqBCZckcPSQ

I am an Avocado

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I love avocadoes. They’re one of those amazing foods that not only taste amazing but are amazing for you as well.

Anyway, for some reason as I was slicing some avocado today to put in my tunafish for lunch I started reflecting on the humble fruit (yes, fruit…I’ll admit I had to look it up!)

It’s somewhat pear shaped, a little wrinkly and rough on the outside, maybe not a beauty to behold, but when you open it, it’s lovely and incredibly useful and versatile. Then the thought came to me, “I am an avocado!” Right down to the firm but soft feeling and nearly 25% fat (Although I do hope to chisel that down as I’m losing my “baby fat”)….O.K. so maybe I’m not green, the comparison doesn’t hold true to the end, but you get the idea.

This idea struck me with intrigue. So then I started thinking about the tree of avocado. What can I learn?

Well, I’m not a botanist but I have noticed several things after observing the avocado tree. I’ve noticed that avocadoes do well in the sun. Well, that makes sense. I too, thrive and prosper when I am in constant contact with the Son. When I try to follow in my Savior’s footsteps and learn and study His teachings, every aspect of my life is not only more fruitful, but I also feel a greater sense of peace and joy from the “fruit of my labors”.

Another observation was that when the avocado tree gets too many avocadoes on one branch the weight will cause negative effects. Depending on the amount and weight of the avocadoes the branch can bend to the point of not receiving proper nutrition from the tree or even break off or die. I’ve noticed a similar effect in my life. When I pile on too many obligations, responsibilities and expectations I lose time and drive to nourish my spirit and body. I start to focus more on the doing and going and external worldly pressures become my god/idol. This always leads to a negative effect, from a general feeling of “under the weather” to a downright abysmal depression. Sometimes it is essential to “thin the herd” so to speak as we prioritize and  decide what we really HAVE to do.

My last comparison originated from the structure of the tree itself. I noticed that every part of the tree was essential for the avocado to reach its’ full purpose and potential. The roots, the trunk, the branches, the leaves…all played an important and necessary role in the avocadoes life. This made me reflect on what my roots and tree are made of and how I can make them an ever present part of my life.

We talk about “our roots” all the time in referring to our ancestral heritage. Why is this so important? I’ve pondered this a lot of late as I’ve thought about how to teach my children about their dual heritage (my husband being from Africa and I from the United States). Having this knowledge helps them not only understand their parents and extended family but also themselves.

I also think about heritage in a spiritual sense. I believe we are literally spirit children of God and as such we have certain potentials and also expectations. I think that knowing about and experiencing your heritage helps you understand who you are. If you don’t know where you came from or who you are how can you decide where you are going?

Then comes the trunk, well I would consider that our family that we grew up in. It is what has supported us throughout our lives and “holds us up” in a very real sense. But I would also consider the trunk as our faith. This is what gets us through the hard times and the stronger it is the better we do in the storms of life.

Our branches are what are connected to us the most closely, our family that we have created with our spouse. They are with us through thick and thin, rich and poor, sickness and health. They see the worst and best of us and know us probably better than the family we grew up in. Without them we would be nothing.

I also think of this branch relationship as our personal relationship with God. He truly knows us better than anyone else and He connects us to the trunk and roots and brings all types of nourishment to us. Without Him we truly would be nothing.

It’s amazing the things we can learn and what we can learn them from. Have you learned anything interesting lately?